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Emotions of Abuse
Shaniel was a huge part of my life. She was one of my dearest friends. I have so many fun and precious memories with her. I will always treasure them.
Since Shaniel died, I have heard so many questions.
"Why didn't anyone know what was happening?"
"Why didn't she ask for help?"
"Why didn't she tell anyone things were that bad?"
"Why, why, why..."
I know why. It's the same reason I kept my secret for 25 years. Even though my experience with violence and abuse was different than Shaniel's, the reason we kept our secrets is the same.
Fear. Shame. Guilt. Weakness. Betrayal. Anger. Sadness. Loneliness.
Even though I was the victim, I knew everyone would blame me for what happened. Everyone would know how weak I was because I let it happen to me. I didn't want anyone to know that I had no control. I didn't want everyone to know how weak I was. I was ashamed. I knew everyone was going to judge me for what happened. It was completely my fault. I didn't want anyone to know what I was really like.
I eventually came to realize that NONE of it was my fault. I was the victim, and I handled it exactly how someone who was traumatized and still in the abuse cycle would handle it.
I got help. I got out, and I survived. There are so many aspects of my life that were and are influenced by my past experiences, and that is okay. The abuse doesn't define me. It's just something bad that happened to me. That wasn't who I really am. I am a survivor.
Shaniel didn't know about my abuse, and I didn't know about hers. I don't blame her for keeping her secret, and I don't blame her for what happened. She handled it exactly how someone who is being abuse handles it. I am positive she was feeling all the same things I was. My heart is broken. No one should feel the pains of abuse.
I just wanted to let people know what Shaniel was probably going though. This isn't something I'd say to your face, because I am still keeping my secret. I got help, but it isn't something I like talking about.
So the next time you're wondering why an abuse/violence victim keeps their secret, just know that there's so much more than keeping the secret. There is pain, sorrow, anger, and guilt. Keeping the secret is one way a victim feels in control. Have compassion. Don't judge. Just love.
Heidy
October 1, 2012
I was awakened by my husband. My Mom was on the phone it was 1 in the morning. I heard Jason ask my Mom if it was important. It must have been. He hands the phone to me and I realize that the buzzing in my dream was my cell phone. I was in a deep sleep getting rest for Monday and the upcoming week. My Mom's voice was shrill and incomprehendable. What do you mean "accident", Heidy's dead???? What a nightmare. No! Jason switches on the light Heidy's dead I stammer. My Mom said she had been notified by police Heidy was dead there was an "accident". I ran into the living room and fall flat face on the floor bawling and begging God to "give her back" Jason was trying to process what was going on he called hospitals until he found where Heidy was taken. She was taken to the University Hospital in Provo.
While Jason was trying to get information from the nurse about my Sister's "accident" (we assumed vehicle because Heidy drove fast).The nurse informed him that it was a point blank gunshot wound to the head. So as a family we gathered at the hospital, even though Heidy had been pronounced dead a little after midnight. We hugged, cried, and tried to make sense of this tragedy. It was my side of the family in that room with counselors and a victim's advocate. They were asking questions like was Heidy depressed? Heidy? She was many things, but suicidal? No!
In another room her Husband was being interviewed. His family was by his side. He asked to talk to my family. My husband volunteered to go. He loved Heidy as a Sister and wanted to get answers for us. That night there were several versions of the event told to different people by her husband. At first I didn't want to believe that someone who supposedly loved my Sister would take her from her life, from her family. She was not disposable, she is irreplaceable, and priceless.
That night we sat in that baby blue room as a family facing 2 horrible realities 1. Heidy was dead 2. Her husband was the one who took her from us. I went to the Hospital expecting to see her, but thankfully we couldn't. I asked if she was an organ donor they looked at me and shook their heads. Then I realized her body had to be processed for evidence. Heidy would live on in our memories, but not in an organ recipient.
Wednesday October 3, 2012 we sat at a table with the person we believed caused Heidy's death to plan her funeral. I am thankful we were still in shock it helped protect us from the full reality of that situation. We had a viewing on Friday which her husband and family attended. He was legally her next of kin and there would not be charges for almost 10 months. Saturday October 6, 2012 we buried Heidy Aline Wagner our "baby". She was the youngest of eight. As I looked down at her I thought she looked like snow White. I kept thinking wake up snow white, wake up. She was almost as beautiful in death as she was in life. I was waiting for her personalized and trade mark, wide grin, I held her hand and stroke her long black hair.
That was a year and 44 days ago. Now I don't cry so much. I can watch a show with guns in it. I am not scared of her former husband breaking into my house and killing me too. I am an advocate for domestic violence awareness. I can accept that Heidy is gone. I can, but don't like to speak about her in past tense. I try to reach out to others who are experiencing the same thing. I go to support groups. I remember Heidy and I try to honor her. I lost a lot that night, but I will always love her. I have hope for justice, peace, and a hope of helping others to escape domestic violence.
Written by Sommer Keller- Heidy's sister.
So sorry for your loss. Domestic violence is a horrible thing. People do not realize how ramped it is. I was clueless until I started working in the law enforcement type career. How wonderful you are helping others in her name!
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