In an Instant

As a mother, I marvel at her commitment to improve and pursue dreams in the most difficult of circumstances. She became an R.N. a year after the twins were born. She is a professional woman in the humblest of circumstances. Many a night she has been called to sit with a dying patient. She is so caring and loving.  

This is an excerpt from a blog post I did in April 2010. This was a tribute to my third daughter, Shaniel, for her 30th birthday. Little did I know she would be taken from us, by an act of domestic violence by her husband, less than 3 years later. 

When a loved one passes, everything in your life changes in an instant. I can no longer pick up the phone and call her. I can no longer hear her voice, her laughter. I can no longer hold her precious, caring hands. I can no longer see her smile or listen to her jokes. I can no longer play games and eat lunch with her. I can no longer hug her and tell her I love her. Life is different for me. A piece of my heart is gone. There is a constant ache that never goes away. A child is the most precious gift a mother receives in life. Yearnings to have her near are intense on occasion. Just like they are right now. It only takes a memory, a picture, a smell... something that triggers the senses, and it all comes back like a flood.

And then... in an instant I can see her vividly in my mind. I can feel her spirit in my heart. She is alive in my memories.  And then a friend reminds me... Shaniel is here! She is all around us.

".. .you can pick up the phone and talk to her oldest daughter, that is where her voice is shared, you can listen to the twins laugh at play, that is where her laughter was left, you can hold the hands of each of her children and you will feel her imprint left there. Her smile and her jokes are all inner twined in those kids. Shaniels sweet spirit may be with her Heavenly Father, but so many of her attributes were left here on this earth in those children of hers. What a treasure, a keepsake for you to lean on and draw from."

I am still so proud of Shaniel, and always will be. It's not so much as what she accomplished, but the woman she became. The heavens are lucky to have her! She was an angel on earth, and continues to be in heaven. I am quite sure she has received many of her patients, that she cared for here on earth, on the other side. And and I know she will be the first to greet me. I look forward to our reunion and a long awaited hug! 

It only took an instant for life to change, and it takes only one evil person, one act... to change everything you thought was right in the world. I have to admit, I have had my moments of anger. But with work, and lots of it... and faith, hope, and forgiveness, my heart is learning to heal. With God on my side, the impossible truly does become possible.

Mom, thank you so much for the post. Brought a tear to my eye! I love you and thank you for making me feel special!  --Shaniel's comment 

Love your children like it's the last day... you never know when they will be taken from you!

Graduation day, May 2008 - Shaniel, R.N.

Big Things Come In Small Packages!

We are all born into this life to be teachers. We teach one another. We teach with the words we use. We teach by our actions. We teach by example. 

Some people can articulate their words eloquently. Some people are full of action and expression that draw people to them. Still, others live in a way that influences the lives of those around them.

Shaniel didn't use many words. It was her facial and body expressions that drew you to her. She was big on action. She was a shorty... petite and cute as a button! You could look into her eyes, just like in the picture below, and draw much insight to this little girl. Her large, beautiful hazel eyes were the picture into her soul. As you peeled back the layers, a definite character emerged. She was curious and mischievous, a bundle of energy, witty and charming, and spunky and clever. A dynamite in her own right. A phrase we are all familiar with...

Big things come in small packages!

That was Shaniel to a tee! She was small, but big in action and heart. From the time she could move she wiggled, shimmied, climbed, jumped, flipped, twirled, skipped, flew through the air, and ran like the wind. Her energy was like dynamite! It was a joy to watch her grow. Through the years we watched her character mature into a vibrant, determined, talented, responsible and beautiful daughter. And... it was evident that growing up didn't diminish the exciting and dynamite package she was born with. Shaniel was always full of surprises!

From the very beginning, Shaniel taught us how to love life! 

She left us a beautiful gift... to enjoy life to the fullest. Every day is a gift. Every day is another day to try something new, to smile and laugh, to inspire others, to learn and grow. It doesn't matter how small you are in the world. No matter where you live or what your circumstances, you can make your own joy and happiness. You can live BIG! You can love life and you can influence those around you to find joy, too! Thank you Shaniel for teaching us how to live!

Shaniel's signature shirt! We bought it for her when she was a toddler.

Angelversary and a Pinkie Promise

I can't believe it's been two years since Shaniel's been gone. On February 10, 2013, our daughter and sister was tragically killed by her husband.

Last year, on her death date, my children and I decided we were not going to dwell on her death. Rather, we chose to make it a day of celebration. We wanted to celebrate Shaniel's life. And so we did! We made a promise that we would do this every single year together from here on after. 

And so the name... Angelversary... was born! February 10 will continue to be a special day of celebration. A day full of fun. A day full of memories. A day to laugh and be together. A day to reflect. A day to bring honor and remembrance to a beautiful life lived. Shaniel would want it this way. I can just see her big beautiful smile. I know she is pleased.

SHOP 

First thing in the morning, oldest daughter and I headed to Ogden. STAPLES, JOANN'S (notice the ghirardelli chocolate!), ZURCHERS (party heaven!), and COSCO. 

EAT

Youngest daughter met us at Bella's for a Fiesta! Strawberry, Peach Mango, and Fresh Lime Margaritas (non-alcoholic) and chips and salsa got us warmed up for the meal. Fiesta salad, fajitas, and burritos filled our tummies... yummy! We reminisced about all the clever ways of Shaniel. How she made us laugh and memories that made us reflect on her witty and attractive personality.  Walking down memory lane with Shaniel filled us up with joy and peace as we sat around the table together as family. The grandkids made it extra fun today. 

Our waitress was so kind and sweet. She listened to our story of how we lost Shaniel. She was genuinely interested in her, in us. She shared the story of how the owners of Bella lost their daughter and how the name Bella's was born from her passing. 

When we were finished with lunch, Jessica (our waitress), brought out the bill with a beautiful message. Of course, that's when the tears began to flow! The world really is full of beautiful, compassionate people who care! 

And... at looking closer to the bill, we got two margaritas for free! I can't recommend Bella's enough. The food is delicious, the service is superb, and the atmosphere is super family friendly.

CELEBRATE

After lunch, an employee of Bella's went outside with us and took pictures of us releasing purple (Shaniel's favorite color) balloons into the sky. There is nothing more enjoyable than watching balloons ascend to the heavens. I could picture in my mind Shaniel playfully hitching a ride on one of them!

Another daughter and son joined up in their hometown to celebrate, as well. We kept in touch throughout the day. It was a good day for all of us!

The picture in the upper right hand corner is the balloon release after a "Walk for Shaniel." A walk held in 2013, in honor of Shaniel. Proceeds from the walk were donated to a local women's shelter. 

Pinkie Promise

Our pledge:

#purplepinkiepromise

Purple is the color for Domestic Violence Awareness. And it is Shaniel's favorite color. We painted our fingernails purple to show our support and love.

We promise to bring honor and remembrance to Shaniel by celebrating her life! 

We promise to educate and raise awareness on Domestic Violence. 

We promise to spread a message of hope and healing to family and friends and anyone else affected by Domestic Violence. 

February is Teen Domestic Violence Awareness Month. We wore orange to show our support and bring awareness to teen violence. 

#Orange4Love#Respectweek2015#BECOrange. 

Amie and Steve

Carol, Audrey, Kelsey

Fun and funky... just like Shaniel!

HAPPY ANGELVERSARY SHANIEL!

We miss and love you so much!

Always on our mind; Forever in our hearts!

The Rose

I have thought a lot about Angels lately. We have them around us everyday. We just have to look for them. Angles are sent from heaven to minister and comfort us on days of need. Earthly Angels attend us as they look after the sick, the weary, the lonely, and the broken-hearted.

The nurses and staff at CNS (Community Nursing Services) are earthly Angels. As I was going through pictures of Shaniel's funeral, I was drawn to the beautiful purple roses that were lovingly placed upon her casket by her colleagues and co-workers as each one gave a tribute to her life as a nurse and friend.

It moved me to tears... even after all these months. I want these earthly Angels to know how much I love and appreciate their love, compassion, kindness, and friendship for others. Especially to another angel who we lost too soon. Shaniel will be forever loved and missed!

The ROSE is used as a symbol of love and compassion. It is often the flower of choice at funerals. Shaniel's favorite color was purple and so it was a natural choice to adorn her caskets with varying colors of purple flowers and roses. 

The nursing staff at CNS (Community Nursing Services), where Shaniel worked, gave a beautiful tribute to Shaniel at her graveside, before burial. Each, with a purple rose in hand, approached the microphone and gave their portion of the tribute. They then placed their rose on her casket as a symbol of their love for her. It was felt with deep emotion and respect for her as both a colleague and friend. I will never forget the compassion and love rendered to Shaniel that day.

Here is their tribute --

Nursing is a calling, a lifestyle, a way of living. Nurses and co-workers here today honor Shaniel and her life as a nurse. Shaniel is not remembered by her years as a nurse, but by the difference she made during those years by stepping into people's lives and caring whole heartedly for her patients.

When a calming, quiet presence was all that was needed, she was there... 

In the excitement and miracle of birth or in the mystery and loss of life, she was there... 

When a silent glance could uplift a patient, family member or friend, she was there...

At those times when the unexplainable needed to be explained, she was there...

 When the situation demanded a swift foot and sharp mind, she was there...

When a gentle touch, a firm push, or an encouraging word was needed, she was there...

To witness humanity - it's beauty, in good times and bad, without judgement, she was there...

To embrace the woes of the world, willingly and offer hope, she was there...

And now, that it is time to be at the greater one's side, she is there...

Shaniel, we honor you this day and give you a white rose to symbolize our honor and appreciation for being your nursing colleague. We love and miss you. 

To be a nurse is to be an ANGEL! Shaniel had a special calling on earth... that of an Angel... to comfort the ill and afflicted, to bring peace to their souls in illness and at the end of life. She loved unconditionally, and was loved back by all who were blessed to have her as their nurse. She delivered compassion on a daily basis. She was a mender of hearts.. physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Shaniel left this life doing what she loved, and I have no doubt that she continues her mission of mending hearts in the life here-after. She is an Angel! She delivers her own roses. Not only in heaven, but here on earth. 

For me personally, Shaniel takes every opportunity to mend my broken heart by her gentle touch, love, and compassion. When I am quiet enough, I know that she is near. 

 

A special Thank you to all the nurses at CNS that so selflessly and lovingly care for the sick and weary every single day. You are earthly Angels in disguise! 

And to my Angel... Thank you for sending me Roses from heaven!

Love, Mother 

Moving forward with Grief

Here's a quote from Mitchell's Journey on grief that tells exactly how I feel.  I inserted "she" instead of "he".

"The pain of my daughter's death is just as soul crushing today as it was the day I lost her. It isn't difficult because I think about it, you see – it is difficult because it happened and she is no longer with me."

I miss Shaniel terribly and yearn to hear her voice, to hear her laughter, to hug her and tell her I love her. As much as I want her physical presence back in my life, I am also comforted by the presence of her spirit. A loving Father In Heaven sees to it that Shaniel is able to provide comfort and peace in times of need.

Just like Mitchell's father, on an airplane ride I took from the U.S. to Germany in April 2014, the gravity of losing a precious child was heavy on my mind. Flying over the ocean for many hours also gives me anxiety. I am usually too nervous to sleep, read, or even watch a movie. But I do a lot of thinking. It was late evening and the cabin lights had been dimmed. People were settling down and that is when my thoughts turned to Shaniel. I all of a sudden felt very lonely without her. Memories flooded my mind and I thought of all the things we did and were now going to miss together. I was also feeling nervous about flying. The seat next to me was empty and I was glad. Gabby people make me even more nervous.

In the quiet and dark, with just my thoughts - I was abruptly brought to my senses and felt Shaniel near. Her favorite fragrance filled the air and I felt immense peace and comfort. I was calmed and knew everything would be all right. I pictured her sitting next to me holding my hand, talking and reminding me of her love for me. She stayed for a half hour or so. I knew when she left. The distinct smell of vanilla coconut left with her. She stayed until she knew I would be ok. Shaniel visited me once again that evening while the airplane crossed the ocean.

I am so grateful for all these moments, as brief as they are. I am reassured of God's love for me. I am thankful and confident in the plan of salvation and know that death does not separate us. Even though I can not see Shaniel, I am blessed to know she is alive and well. I am blessed to know that she is given opportunities to minister and comfort me in times of need.

There are days when it is difficult to be without her. I know it will always be that way until I see her again. But moving forward with hope and faith in the Lord and His plan, puts my grief into perspective. It is a blessing to have an eternal perspective.  

Here's to a New Year filled with hope, healing and love!